Updates - A little bit of here and there and in between

So I still haven't seen my bestie's baby. On the day I had planned to visit them, baby A was hospitalised for jaundice. Couldn't find another time to visit after that. I feel like a bad friend urrghh.

Just a day before DH's birthday, we decided to tell my in-laws about DH's problem, about how he has been suffering from ED for all these years and how I have, as a consequence of his ED, suffered too. The reason behind our decision was because I could not stand being blamed by the in-laws for not getting pregnant yet. For the record, I have been continuously tortured mentally by MIL and FIL and also DH's grandmother who keep on coming up with old wives tale and tips for me to combat infertility. They have been happily assuming I was the one who was infertile all this while. On numerous occasions, his grandmother had been telling everyone about how fertile her family is and the only reason why we still have no kids is because of me. Up to a point that she even used the word "mandul" on me. Just a day before we told them, they had been forcing me to drink some weird akar kayu drink with uncalled for advice like "Ada otak kita kena guna dan usaha. Kalau tak macam mana nak lekat?"

I have been trying my best to be the bigger person everytime by considering their level of education and status in life (uneducated kampung folks) but it has never gotten easier. That was why we decided to spill. As expected, they were in total disbelief. I just hope they will realise how absurd they have been all this while one day.

And poor DH, his family's reaction had taken a toll on him too. He now sees himself as a failure. He said how he wished we had remained the way we were and not tell a soul about his problem. I said I cannot do that. I cannot live my whole life absorbing every insult they hurled at me. We got into a terrible fight that went on for days. Luckily my family turned up on Thursday and stayed until Sunday for the CNY holidays so we have been pretending to be happy the whole time they were here. In reality, we are still not ok.

Last night DH told me that he will not be able to make the appointment with the neuro expert for his ED treatment scheduled this 13 March. And my heart shatters into pieces again. I do not know if we're ever going to be ok.

We are in the process of moving house this week. I want to be excited about it but I just can't. This is the shittiest feeling I have felt in years. The only thing I am looking forward to is the TTC Workshop this Saturday. But even that makes me feel depressed as I see this whole TTC thing cannot ever work if DH continues with this reluctant attitude. All I have left is Allah :'(

Mockery

Just when I was about to be all normal and indifferent towards all of my TTC-related problem, a cousin announced the birth of her second daughter in the family Whatsapp on Friday and as you can guess the other cousin-mummies gushed excitedly, "Oh... I know the feeling! You must be over the moon!" 

Of course everyone knows "the feeling" of giving birth, right? Right? Except this one infertile-by-marriage cousin of yours hahaha! *this is my bitterness talking*

To top it all, the birth announcement came in just after the proud grandmother of the new baby forwarded the good-hearted message below (I'm sure the same has been circulating everywhere, not just in my family Whatsapp):

A lot of men think they doing women a favour by asking for her hand in marriage, but lets think about this : she changes her name, changes her home, leaves her family, moves in with you, builds a home with you, gets pregnant for you, pregnancy change her body, she gets fat, almost gives up in the labour room due to the unbearable pains of child birth, even the kids she delivers bear your name. Till the day she dies everything she does benefits you. So who is really doing who a favour? Dear men appreciate your wife today, it is not easy to be a woman.*Being a woman is priceless *

W - Wonderful MOTHER
O - Outstanding Friend
M - Marvelous Daughter
A - Adorable Sister
N - Nicest Gift To Men From God

complete with pesanan penaja : Kalau boleh buat semua tu kerana Allah senang masuk syurga.

So how did that make me feel? Of course, mendidih inside!

Mind you, it's my extended family group chat with 42 participants. I have four cousins who are about the same age as me - all have become mothers except myself. Of course the forwarded message is a general one but at the time of reading it, I could almost see the texts dancing up and down, mocking me. As you would have guessed, I replied:

"Saidatina Aisyah tak pernah melahirkan anak. Masuk syurga juga. Assiyah isteri Firaun, ibu angkat Nabi Musa A.S. juga begitu. Tinggi ketaqwaan kepada Allah. Firaun yang mandul tapi Assiyah tetap bersifat keibuan membela Musa A.S. dan berjaya pujuk Firaun untuk bela Musa A.S. Kalau hari ini, asal mandul je masyarakat akan salahkan perempuan."

That was when I think the aunt, along with several cousins got the message. However, as non-TTCians they advised me to be patient and believe in Allah's plan etc. Hahahaha as if we do not know any better.

I told them off back that it is not in their place to tell me what to do. As someone who has been in this battle for over three years, of course I know what to do. All I did was pointing out to them that it is not right to be over-glorifying the joy of motherhood when not everyone has the chance to experience it. I told them what to do on their part instead, that is to be more aware of infertility issues, as that is what is lacking in the society at the moment. As someone who is experiencing it, whether biologically or by marriage, of course we know what it takes to face the test, right? What we need is family support and not continuous isolation. No one replied after that LOL.

I have yet to visit my cousin's baby. Not intending to, not anytime soon. I told my mother the same. She told me to reconsider and visit them anyway but bring DH along. We'll see.

From this entry I think you can tell that I have been going on an emotional roller coaster ride. Not proud of myself. So I decided to just go on living as normal. Went to a friend's wedding on Saturday evening, spring cleaned the house, called my mother to have a chat, just tried my best to be normal but of course there is still that bugging feeling I do not know how to get rid of.

It is not helping that our blood test / semen analysis results from the Health Clinic have not been out yet. They asked us to call again sometime next week.

In the meantime, I have signed up to attend the TTC Breakthrough Programme organised by Jay and friends. Hopefully I can gather my spirit back with it. A soul tuning is going to do me some good. Aamiin.

Sister-in-Law (DH's sister) is pregnant

She announced it in the family whatsapp group chat a couple of weeks ago. Honestly both DH and I were crushed that night. I did not immediately read the message as soon as it came in because I was just about to solat Isya' but DH did and he came to me and hugged me. I had no idea what was going on then. I thought it was just a normal hug so I just excused myself so I could pray. 

Finished praying and just like my everyday routine, I checked my phone one last time before going to bed. That was when I saw THE announcement in the form of positive UPT photo captioned "Alhamdulillah rezeki kami tahun ini."

I was confused with my own feeling at that time. I wanted to feel happy, I mean I felt happy at that time but I also felt sad with myself. I texted my congratulations and buried my face in my pillow. DH went around to hug me tight and said that, that was why he came to hug before. He knew how I would feel and it pains him too to see the pregnancy announcement by her sister and to see me all sad. I sobbed uncontrollably in his arms that everything he said after that was blur. I did not know what time I actually slept last night but I remember waking up with my pillow and DH's arms drenched in tears. Allahuakbar! How heartbroken I was.

I tried to go about my days like normal. I mean, I have my day job that needs my full attention, I also have my running hobby which I do enjoy doing with my friends, basically I just try to put all of my sorrows behind. I even reasoned it out. It was silly for me to feel down and jealous of my SIL just because she is pregnant for the second time and I am not even close to seeing my first BFP. So I left it at that and went about my life.

I thought I was doing okay until, the SIL decides to be on her oh-Im-pregnant-and-I-deserve-all-the-attention-in-this-world mode. The group chat is now full of her woes and whinings of how tired she is, how easily she becomes hungry, how her old clothes won't fit her, her cravings, etc you get it right? She became the most annoying person to me all of a sudden. It is not helping that the MIL is encouraging her. One night, the SIL said she was craving for satay so the MIL asked everyone to make time for dinner so we can take her out for satay as one happy family. According to MIL, we must support her since she is pregnant and all. I said no thanks but I have something more important to attend to. I hope they get the message. DH was not too keen of me joining them either. He was away at that time for a meeting so he managed to escape, himself hehe.

After the incident, you might think she has stopped with the whinings, right? Nope, it is getting worse by the day. Not wanting to torture myself, I have muted the group chat for one year. Yay! I also haven't seen her at all although Kajang is just a short distance from where I live (Putrajaya). No, I don't feel bad at all. At this point in time, I believe it is important for me to think of myself and how I feel first. And this has given me peace :)

I have also deactivated all of my social media accounts to avoid seeing her gloating about her pregnancy there. Trust me, I feel sooooooo much better now!

Reflecting on 2014, Looking Forward to 2015

Left 2014 with so many memories. Both bitter and sweet. Among the highlights of my year:

January

Turned 28.

February

DH turned 29.

March

DH graduated from his police inspector training.

We went on a romantic getaway in Langkawi shortly after.

Came back from our getaway with a transfer order to another division. Something I actually have been waiting and praying for, for a long time.

June

Ran 16km for Mizuno Run

July

Received my long-awaited promotion.

August

Ran 15km in Larian MAKSAK

September

Broke my half marathon record in 2XU competitive challenge (21km in 2 hours 35 minutes)

Discovered the problem that prevented us from conceiving. Decided to do the second test. CD3 blood drawn.

October

Ran 15km Putrajaya Urban City Run with DH.

November

Ran my first trail run. 8km Petzl Trail Night Run, Putrajaya.

Ran 10km in UM Larian Gegar Neon with DH.

December

Ran my second trail run. 12km Salomon Trail Run, with DH.

Had my CD20 blood sample drawn.

DH had his semen sample taken for analysis.

DH's grandmother blamed me for being barren as if she knows. *deleting bad memories*

Mama asked me to stop running to better care after my womb, as if she knows better. *deleting this as well*

I think you can guess how I have used work and running as my distractions to not think so much about TTC or baby-related stuff. I want to do the same in 2015 but this time stronger. In 2014, I cried a lot. In the shower, in the car, everytime a friend/relative announced they are pregnant, after baby-showers/cukur jambul, you name it. I cared so much about people's remarks hurled at me during get-togethers be it during the festive season or at weddings, etc. I do not want to care as much in 2015. I will try my best not to let them know that they are winning. This is my battle, I should be in charge.

Here are among the amazing things that are going to happen to me in 2015:

January

A visit to the Jump Street with DH and our mutual friends.

100Plus Outrunner 12km with DH.

Progesterone test and semen analysis results.

Celebrate the last of my 20's :)

My first experience conducting a full civil procedure trial on my own. (oh I forgot to tell you I am a government counsel/ lawyer)

February

Nike We Run KL 21km with DH and my closest friends.

DH's birthday.

March

Women's Health Night Run 12km

April

Shape Night Run 11.2km

October

Holiday with DH in Melbourne + Melbourne Marathon (10km maybe)

Baby or no baby, it's going to be great!

Progress

And so I went to have my CD20 progesterone level blood test taken 2 weeks ago. The clinic asked me to call back in the first week of February as the results will only be out by then along with DH's semen analysis. As we all know, waiting will always be a part of this journey in TTC. So we need to have patience and try our best to put this on the backburner at least for a while.

That's pretty much our progress in TTC so far. Nothing much but we try to take baby steps rather than do nothing at all. 

Just three days ago, DH and I completed yet another run. My second trail run experience and DH's first. Originally, the route only covered 10km but it was changed by the organizers on the day itself due for safety reasons. As a result, we had to complete 12km in total. It was the Salomon X Trail Run held in MAEPS/MARDI. Wet, muddy, hilly and slippery all the way but I enjoyed it very much especially when we reached the peaks of the hills. The breath-taking view and the fresh air we get to inhale up there cannot be traded with anything else. Climbing up and descending the hills can be pretty challenging but with good trail running shoes, it was pretty ok and still doable. DH however, decided that it would be the last trail run he would ever participate in LOL. I cannot say the same for me as I honestly enjoyed it.

I am planning to slow down and gradually stop running or at least decrease its frequency next year if we are to start with serious treatment but nothing is carved in stone yet until we get our blood test and semen analysis results. So in the meantime, I will keep pushing hard to achieve my fitness goals and personal satisfaction I get from this one outlet I have, that is - running!

Things Are Looking Up

Things are looking up to be better. On Saturday night, I completed my first ever trail run with my running buddy, Z. DH did not sign up for the event so it was only Z and I. 

It was Z's first night trail run and the first trail run ever for me. We signed up for 12km but the route was cut short to 9km because the first batch of runners strayed off from the first junction haha. All in all, it was one hell of  an experience as Z even managed to get lost in the hills with a group of other runners. The hilly terrain was not only confusing, but also mighty challenging. I found myself struggling for breath the higher we climbed. Only caught my breath during the last descend. Phew! But hey, another medal to add to my growing collections :)

And then yesterday night I went for a 6.14km recovery run and found that my time has improved tremendously. I am back to running 6 minutes 59 seconds per kilometre just like my average pace a year ago. Guess the trail run really helped tremendously.

On my TTC journey, I finally talked my GP into allowing me to take my CD21 blood test on CD20 this coming Friday. The result might not be accurate but I reasoned with my GP that my cycle has always been regular after all, so she agreed. She said results will be out 3 weeks from now together with DH's semen analysis.

I do not want to stress out so much so I think it's best to wait until then.

Of running from and towards

What do you do to forget about this persistent spot of bother (TTC)?

For me, I love to run. Literally. I run not only to distract myself from overthinking it (TTC) but also to keep fit.

I have been running since 2011. I run in 5km, 7km, 10km, 21km events and in October this year, I completed my first full marathon (42km). Running keeps me focused in life and motivates me to achieve more every time.

Recently, even DH took up running as a hobby after seeing my collection of finisher medals. Last Sunday, we scored another finisher medal each for completing the Putrajaya Urban City Run in the 15km men's/women's open events. 

DH managed to clock in at 1:55:07, while I took 1:58:16 to complete the distance. The route was pretty challenging especially the descending staircase up to the Convention Centre.

As an avid runner, it is normal for me to be posting my running progress and achievements online (FB, twitter, instagram, you name it) just so I can share the joy of running with people who matter (friends and family). But, for some reasons this seems to be taken out of its original context by a certain "concerned" quarters. Every now and then I would get a "sound" advice from these "concerned" quarters about how "concerned" they are with my running hobby - that I shouldn't be running so much because my womb my shift from its original place. Yes, absurd as this may sound but within the Malay culture, myths or in other words, nonsense such as this thrives! I have also been hearing these people speculating about running being the reason why I still haven't conceived after three years. 

These people are the same people who choose to be ignorant about the male factor infertility, mind you.