Updates - A little bit of here and there and in between

So I still haven't seen my bestie's baby. On the day I had planned to visit them, baby A was hospitalised for jaundice. Couldn't find another time to visit after that. I feel like a bad friend urrghh.

Just a day before DH's birthday, we decided to tell my in-laws about DH's problem, about how he has been suffering from ED for all these years and how I have, as a consequence of his ED, suffered too. The reason behind our decision was because I could not stand being blamed by the in-laws for not getting pregnant yet. For the record, I have been continuously tortured mentally by MIL and FIL and also DH's grandmother who keep on coming up with old wives tale and tips for me to combat infertility. They have been happily assuming I was the one who was infertile all this while. On numerous occasions, his grandmother had been telling everyone about how fertile her family is and the only reason why we still have no kids is because of me. Up to a point that she even used the word "mandul" on me. Just a day before we told them, they had been forcing me to drink some weird akar kayu drink with uncalled for advice like "Ada otak kita kena guna dan usaha. Kalau tak macam mana nak lekat?"

I have been trying my best to be the bigger person everytime by considering their level of education and status in life (uneducated kampung folks) but it has never gotten easier. That was why we decided to spill. As expected, they were in total disbelief. I just hope they will realise how absurd they have been all this while one day.

And poor DH, his family's reaction had taken a toll on him too. He now sees himself as a failure. He said how he wished we had remained the way we were and not tell a soul about his problem. I said I cannot do that. I cannot live my whole life absorbing every insult they hurled at me. We got into a terrible fight that went on for days. Luckily my family turned up on Thursday and stayed until Sunday for the CNY holidays so we have been pretending to be happy the whole time they were here. In reality, we are still not ok.

Last night DH told me that he will not be able to make the appointment with the neuro expert for his ED treatment scheduled this 13 March. And my heart shatters into pieces again. I do not know if we're ever going to be ok.

We are in the process of moving house this week. I want to be excited about it but I just can't. This is the shittiest feeling I have felt in years. The only thing I am looking forward to is the TTC Workshop this Saturday. But even that makes me feel depressed as I see this whole TTC thing cannot ever work if DH continues with this reluctant attitude. All I have left is Allah :'(