Mockery

Just when I was about to be all normal and indifferent towards all of my TTC-related problem, a cousin announced the birth of her second daughter in the family Whatsapp on Friday and as you can guess the other cousin-mummies gushed excitedly, "Oh... I know the feeling! You must be over the moon!" 

Of course everyone knows "the feeling" of giving birth, right? Right? Except this one infertile-by-marriage cousin of yours hahaha! *this is my bitterness talking*

To top it all, the birth announcement came in just after the proud grandmother of the new baby forwarded the good-hearted message below (I'm sure the same has been circulating everywhere, not just in my family Whatsapp):

A lot of men think they doing women a favour by asking for her hand in marriage, but lets think about this : she changes her name, changes her home, leaves her family, moves in with you, builds a home with you, gets pregnant for you, pregnancy change her body, she gets fat, almost gives up in the labour room due to the unbearable pains of child birth, even the kids she delivers bear your name. Till the day she dies everything she does benefits you. So who is really doing who a favour? Dear men appreciate your wife today, it is not easy to be a woman.*Being a woman is priceless *

W - Wonderful MOTHER
O - Outstanding Friend
M - Marvelous Daughter
A - Adorable Sister
N - Nicest Gift To Men From God

complete with pesanan penaja : Kalau boleh buat semua tu kerana Allah senang masuk syurga.

So how did that make me feel? Of course, mendidih inside!

Mind you, it's my extended family group chat with 42 participants. I have four cousins who are about the same age as me - all have become mothers except myself. Of course the forwarded message is a general one but at the time of reading it, I could almost see the texts dancing up and down, mocking me. As you would have guessed, I replied:

"Saidatina Aisyah tak pernah melahirkan anak. Masuk syurga juga. Assiyah isteri Firaun, ibu angkat Nabi Musa A.S. juga begitu. Tinggi ketaqwaan kepada Allah. Firaun yang mandul tapi Assiyah tetap bersifat keibuan membela Musa A.S. dan berjaya pujuk Firaun untuk bela Musa A.S. Kalau hari ini, asal mandul je masyarakat akan salahkan perempuan."

That was when I think the aunt, along with several cousins got the message. However, as non-TTCians they advised me to be patient and believe in Allah's plan etc. Hahahaha as if we do not know any better.

I told them off back that it is not in their place to tell me what to do. As someone who has been in this battle for over three years, of course I know what to do. All I did was pointing out to them that it is not right to be over-glorifying the joy of motherhood when not everyone has the chance to experience it. I told them what to do on their part instead, that is to be more aware of infertility issues, as that is what is lacking in the society at the moment. As someone who is experiencing it, whether biologically or by marriage, of course we know what it takes to face the test, right? What we need is family support and not continuous isolation. No one replied after that LOL.

I have yet to visit my cousin's baby. Not intending to, not anytime soon. I told my mother the same. She told me to reconsider and visit them anyway but bring DH along. We'll see.

From this entry I think you can tell that I have been going on an emotional roller coaster ride. Not proud of myself. So I decided to just go on living as normal. Went to a friend's wedding on Saturday evening, spring cleaned the house, called my mother to have a chat, just tried my best to be normal but of course there is still that bugging feeling I do not know how to get rid of.

It is not helping that our blood test / semen analysis results from the Health Clinic have not been out yet. They asked us to call again sometime next week.

In the meantime, I have signed up to attend the TTC Breakthrough Programme organised by Jay and friends. Hopefully I can gather my spirit back with it. A soul tuning is going to do me some good. Aamiin.

Reflecting on 2014, Looking Forward to 2015

Left 2014 with so many memories. Both bitter and sweet. Among the highlights of my year:

January

Turned 28.

February

DH turned 29.

March

DH graduated from his police inspector training.

We went on a romantic getaway in Langkawi shortly after.

Came back from our getaway with a transfer order to another division. Something I actually have been waiting and praying for, for a long time.

June

Ran 16km for Mizuno Run

July

Received my long-awaited promotion.

August

Ran 15km in Larian MAKSAK

September

Broke my half marathon record in 2XU competitive challenge (21km in 2 hours 35 minutes)

Discovered the problem that prevented us from conceiving. Decided to do the second test. CD3 blood drawn.

October

Ran 15km Putrajaya Urban City Run with DH.

November

Ran my first trail run. 8km Petzl Trail Night Run, Putrajaya.

Ran 10km in UM Larian Gegar Neon with DH.

December

Ran my second trail run. 12km Salomon Trail Run, with DH.

Had my CD20 blood sample drawn.

DH had his semen sample taken for analysis.

DH's grandmother blamed me for being barren as if she knows. *deleting bad memories*

Mama asked me to stop running to better care after my womb, as if she knows better. *deleting this as well*

I think you can guess how I have used work and running as my distractions to not think so much about TTC or baby-related stuff. I want to do the same in 2015 but this time stronger. In 2014, I cried a lot. In the shower, in the car, everytime a friend/relative announced they are pregnant, after baby-showers/cukur jambul, you name it. I cared so much about people's remarks hurled at me during get-togethers be it during the festive season or at weddings, etc. I do not want to care as much in 2015. I will try my best not to let them know that they are winning. This is my battle, I should be in charge.

Here are among the amazing things that are going to happen to me in 2015:

January

A visit to the Jump Street with DH and our mutual friends.

100Plus Outrunner 12km with DH.

Progesterone test and semen analysis results.

Celebrate the last of my 20's :)

My first experience conducting a full civil procedure trial on my own. (oh I forgot to tell you I am a government counsel/ lawyer)

February

Nike We Run KL 21km with DH and my closest friends.

DH's birthday.

March

Women's Health Night Run 12km

April

Shape Night Run 11.2km

October

Holiday with DH in Melbourne + Melbourne Marathon (10km maybe)

Baby or no baby, it's going to be great!

The Introduction

Assalamualaikum w.b.t. and Hello.

So I decided to start this blog. Before anything else, I figure a little introduction would be appropriate.

I wish I could disclose my name and real identity but after thinking about it long and hard, I sort of thought and still think that it would be best for me to write under a pseudonym. This is because the content of this blog may not just border on being personal, it is going to be downright personal. I decided to create this space as an avenue to pour out what I cannot do possibly do in real life (besides in prayers, of course, simply because I do not want my communication with Allah be peppered with hatred and bitterness). So many people I know in real life will be affected in one way or the other with the content of this blog and it is never my intention to humiliate anyone in any way. Yes, I will keep the blog public but the identities of the persons mentioned under wrap.

So what can I tell you about myself? I am a 28-year-old woman married to a 29-year-old man. My DH is the LOML. We have been married for almost 3 years and TTC for as long as we can remember. Ok ok to be fair, we got married in December 2011 and then had a long distance married relationship for 9 months in 2013 but then we have never planned to not have babies. I keep track of my ovulation and my period cycles are regular. I have undergone check ups too to ensure my body is ok and it is in fact ok.

So what's the problem then? Male factor infertility. To be exact, erectile dysfunction. Throughout our marriage, DH has been experiencing difficulty to erect and even when he sometimes did manage to erect, he would fail to "finish the deed". In other words, he cannot ejaculate.

I am a Malay, you see and this subject in the Malay community is taboo.

Back to the problem. DH and I have tried to suss things out on our own. We tried on many occasions to discuss how do we go about this problem but sadly, more often than not, the "little discussions" would turn into full-fledged arguments. I would always feel that he is not doing enough to fix the problem (he is a chain smoker and does not really seem to watch what goes into his body) and he would always accuse me of not being supportive. But after I had a terrible breakdown due to this problem we are facing a couple months back, he finally gave in and agreed to undergo a check-up to get diagnosed properly so we can begin the necessary treatment. I also agreed to have a second round of blood tests just because.

Being the government servants that we are, we can only afford to seek fertility treatment provided by the government clinic. And oh boy, the dates given to us for check-ups are ridiculous. For example, we went for our first meeting with the doctor last month but husband was only given 2nd December as the date for him to submit his semen for analysis. As for me, I have to wait until God knows how many cycles before I can have my 21st DPO test. This is because for the last two cycles, my 21st DPOs happened to be on a public holiday and a Sunday respectively and the clinic only opens on normal working days. Sucks, I know.

So that was a little introduction about this struggle we are facing. Will write more in the next entries, hopefully.