Progress

And so I went to have my CD20 progesterone level blood test taken 2 weeks ago. The clinic asked me to call back in the first week of February as the results will only be out by then along with DH's semen analysis. As we all know, waiting will always be a part of this journey in TTC. So we need to have patience and try our best to put this on the backburner at least for a while.

That's pretty much our progress in TTC so far. Nothing much but we try to take baby steps rather than do nothing at all. 

Just three days ago, DH and I completed yet another run. My second trail run experience and DH's first. Originally, the route only covered 10km but it was changed by the organizers on the day itself due for safety reasons. As a result, we had to complete 12km in total. It was the Salomon X Trail Run held in MAEPS/MARDI. Wet, muddy, hilly and slippery all the way but I enjoyed it very much especially when we reached the peaks of the hills. The breath-taking view and the fresh air we get to inhale up there cannot be traded with anything else. Climbing up and descending the hills can be pretty challenging but with good trail running shoes, it was pretty ok and still doable. DH however, decided that it would be the last trail run he would ever participate in LOL. I cannot say the same for me as I honestly enjoyed it.

I am planning to slow down and gradually stop running or at least decrease its frequency next year if we are to start with serious treatment but nothing is carved in stone yet until we get our blood test and semen analysis results. So in the meantime, I will keep pushing hard to achieve my fitness goals and personal satisfaction I get from this one outlet I have, that is - running!

Things Are Looking Up

Things are looking up to be better. On Saturday night, I completed my first ever trail run with my running buddy, Z. DH did not sign up for the event so it was only Z and I. 

It was Z's first night trail run and the first trail run ever for me. We signed up for 12km but the route was cut short to 9km because the first batch of runners strayed off from the first junction haha. All in all, it was one hell of  an experience as Z even managed to get lost in the hills with a group of other runners. The hilly terrain was not only confusing, but also mighty challenging. I found myself struggling for breath the higher we climbed. Only caught my breath during the last descend. Phew! But hey, another medal to add to my growing collections :)

And then yesterday night I went for a 6.14km recovery run and found that my time has improved tremendously. I am back to running 6 minutes 59 seconds per kilometre just like my average pace a year ago. Guess the trail run really helped tremendously.

On my TTC journey, I finally talked my GP into allowing me to take my CD21 blood test on CD20 this coming Friday. The result might not be accurate but I reasoned with my GP that my cycle has always been regular after all, so she agreed. She said results will be out 3 weeks from now together with DH's semen analysis.

I do not want to stress out so much so I think it's best to wait until then.

Of running from and towards

What do you do to forget about this persistent spot of bother (TTC)?

For me, I love to run. Literally. I run not only to distract myself from overthinking it (TTC) but also to keep fit.

I have been running since 2011. I run in 5km, 7km, 10km, 21km events and in October this year, I completed my first full marathon (42km). Running keeps me focused in life and motivates me to achieve more every time.

Recently, even DH took up running as a hobby after seeing my collection of finisher medals. Last Sunday, we scored another finisher medal each for completing the Putrajaya Urban City Run in the 15km men's/women's open events. 

DH managed to clock in at 1:55:07, while I took 1:58:16 to complete the distance. The route was pretty challenging especially the descending staircase up to the Convention Centre.

As an avid runner, it is normal for me to be posting my running progress and achievements online (FB, twitter, instagram, you name it) just so I can share the joy of running with people who matter (friends and family). But, for some reasons this seems to be taken out of its original context by a certain "concerned" quarters. Every now and then I would get a "sound" advice from these "concerned" quarters about how "concerned" they are with my running hobby - that I shouldn't be running so much because my womb my shift from its original place. Yes, absurd as this may sound but within the Malay culture, myths or in other words, nonsense such as this thrives! I have also been hearing these people speculating about running being the reason why I still haven't conceived after three years. 

These people are the same people who choose to be ignorant about the male factor infertility, mind you. 

The Introduction

Assalamualaikum w.b.t. and Hello.

So I decided to start this blog. Before anything else, I figure a little introduction would be appropriate.

I wish I could disclose my name and real identity but after thinking about it long and hard, I sort of thought and still think that it would be best for me to write under a pseudonym. This is because the content of this blog may not just border on being personal, it is going to be downright personal. I decided to create this space as an avenue to pour out what I cannot do possibly do in real life (besides in prayers, of course, simply because I do not want my communication with Allah be peppered with hatred and bitterness). So many people I know in real life will be affected in one way or the other with the content of this blog and it is never my intention to humiliate anyone in any way. Yes, I will keep the blog public but the identities of the persons mentioned under wrap.

So what can I tell you about myself? I am a 28-year-old woman married to a 29-year-old man. My DH is the LOML. We have been married for almost 3 years and TTC for as long as we can remember. Ok ok to be fair, we got married in December 2011 and then had a long distance married relationship for 9 months in 2013 but then we have never planned to not have babies. I keep track of my ovulation and my period cycles are regular. I have undergone check ups too to ensure my body is ok and it is in fact ok.

So what's the problem then? Male factor infertility. To be exact, erectile dysfunction. Throughout our marriage, DH has been experiencing difficulty to erect and even when he sometimes did manage to erect, he would fail to "finish the deed". In other words, he cannot ejaculate.

I am a Malay, you see and this subject in the Malay community is taboo.

Back to the problem. DH and I have tried to suss things out on our own. We tried on many occasions to discuss how do we go about this problem but sadly, more often than not, the "little discussions" would turn into full-fledged arguments. I would always feel that he is not doing enough to fix the problem (he is a chain smoker and does not really seem to watch what goes into his body) and he would always accuse me of not being supportive. But after I had a terrible breakdown due to this problem we are facing a couple months back, he finally gave in and agreed to undergo a check-up to get diagnosed properly so we can begin the necessary treatment. I also agreed to have a second round of blood tests just because.

Being the government servants that we are, we can only afford to seek fertility treatment provided by the government clinic. And oh boy, the dates given to us for check-ups are ridiculous. For example, we went for our first meeting with the doctor last month but husband was only given 2nd December as the date for him to submit his semen for analysis. As for me, I have to wait until God knows how many cycles before I can have my 21st DPO test. This is because for the last two cycles, my 21st DPOs happened to be on a public holiday and a Sunday respectively and the clinic only opens on normal working days. Sucks, I know.

So that was a little introduction about this struggle we are facing. Will write more in the next entries, hopefully.