The Introduction

Assalamualaikum w.b.t. and Hello.

So I decided to start this blog. Before anything else, I figure a little introduction would be appropriate.

I wish I could disclose my name and real identity but after thinking about it long and hard, I sort of thought and still think that it would be best for me to write under a pseudonym. This is because the content of this blog may not just border on being personal, it is going to be downright personal. I decided to create this space as an avenue to pour out what I cannot do possibly do in real life (besides in prayers, of course, simply because I do not want my communication with Allah be peppered with hatred and bitterness). So many people I know in real life will be affected in one way or the other with the content of this blog and it is never my intention to humiliate anyone in any way. Yes, I will keep the blog public but the identities of the persons mentioned under wrap.

So what can I tell you about myself? I am a 28-year-old woman married to a 29-year-old man. My DH is the LOML. We have been married for almost 3 years and TTC for as long as we can remember. Ok ok to be fair, we got married in December 2011 and then had a long distance married relationship for 9 months in 2013 but then we have never planned to not have babies. I keep track of my ovulation and my period cycles are regular. I have undergone check ups too to ensure my body is ok and it is in fact ok.

So what's the problem then? Male factor infertility. To be exact, erectile dysfunction. Throughout our marriage, DH has been experiencing difficulty to erect and even when he sometimes did manage to erect, he would fail to "finish the deed". In other words, he cannot ejaculate.

I am a Malay, you see and this subject in the Malay community is taboo.

Back to the problem. DH and I have tried to suss things out on our own. We tried on many occasions to discuss how do we go about this problem but sadly, more often than not, the "little discussions" would turn into full-fledged arguments. I would always feel that he is not doing enough to fix the problem (he is a chain smoker and does not really seem to watch what goes into his body) and he would always accuse me of not being supportive. But after I had a terrible breakdown due to this problem we are facing a couple months back, he finally gave in and agreed to undergo a check-up to get diagnosed properly so we can begin the necessary treatment. I also agreed to have a second round of blood tests just because.

Being the government servants that we are, we can only afford to seek fertility treatment provided by the government clinic. And oh boy, the dates given to us for check-ups are ridiculous. For example, we went for our first meeting with the doctor last month but husband was only given 2nd December as the date for him to submit his semen for analysis. As for me, I have to wait until God knows how many cycles before I can have my 21st DPO test. This is because for the last two cycles, my 21st DPOs happened to be on a public holiday and a Sunday respectively and the clinic only opens on normal working days. Sucks, I know.

So that was a little introduction about this struggle we are facing. Will write more in the next entries, hopefully.